It’s beginning to settle into my head now. They say I have cancer. I don’t feel sick. I don’t look sick. But apparently I am sick.
Meals have to be prepared, errands have to be run, laundry piles up in the hamper, and phone calls need to be returned. I haven’t had time to do any of it! My life so far has been one doctor’s appointment after the other.
This is so overwhelming! At times, it hits me like a ton of bricks! Right smack in my chest! I can be standing in the kitchen, bathing my kids or walking to my car, and all of a sudden this pain in my heart surfaces.
You see my head goes to cancer. My flesh overpowers me and I begin to sob uncontrollably.
You might be thinking, “You? No way! Jackie, you are so strong!”
Pastor’s wives are perfect.
Yes, but my strength comes from the Lord. And yet, I’m still human. This is the constant struggle within me. (Matthew 26:41)
When this struggle arises, I have two choices: I can either sink into depression and bitterness, or I can choose to run!
In spite of the fear, in spite of sadness, in spite of the chaos, I run – right into the arms of Jesus.
Many people would say to themselves, “Why is this happening to me? Why am I being punished?”
This is a season in my life where God is calling me to be still, to trust, and to believe He is in control of all of that and so much more!
He’s telling me to take “one day at a time”. To enjoy the blessings of today, for we are not promised tomorrow. (Prob 27)
Though the burden feels heavy, God has reminded me that Christ made provision for my burden.
Matthew 11: 28–30, NLT
“Then Jesus said, ‘Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light.’”
I have to continue to come to Him, continue to pursue Him, continue to find rest in Him.
Though at times I may believe the lie of the enemy, God brings me back to his truth.
I have come to the realization that I am not being punished – I am being transformed!
So what are the next steps in this journey of mine?
Well, chemo will be starting soon, and plans for a mastectomy will come up, I’m sure, but right now, I’m taking it “one day at a time.”