I had a small convo with my Heavenly Father this past week, and it kinda went a little something like this:
God: Yes my child. I’m here.
Me: There’s something else… Another setback. And everything regarding chemo is being postponed until Monday. I don’t think I can take more bad news.
God: I know my child. I was there when they told you this. I am always with you.
Me: Why would this come up now? I already have so many weak moments, and it’s not even the worst part yet…
God: Did you not ask me to help you grow in strength?
Me: (restraining an eye roll) lol, yes I did, but Father I don’t understand. I just got good news last week and now this hits me!
God: Did you not ask me to help you grow in faith??
Me: Yes, father, I just don’t think I can take another blow like this..
God: Did you not ask me to help you learn to trust me?
Me: (feeling a little ashamed) Yes.
God: My daughter be still. Stop and listen, not to the voice of man so much as to where my voice is no longer heard. Search to hear my gentle whisper in the chaos of life. For I know and hold the plans of your future…
I have already walked the road ahead of you. I love you and will take care of you… I need you to learn to trust me. I will guide you and your feet will not grow weary. I will carry you the entire way. And you will learn to lean on me in the good and in the bad. But you have to trust me. Can you do that?
Me: (humbled) Yes, father I want to…
God: But do you trust me?
Me: I can try.
God: Do you trust me?
Me: I do. And I will.
You could say I had a bit of an attitude with God during that conversation. Yet, over and over again, God reminds me of his love, his grace, his comfort, and most importantly that I need to trust him.
“Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?”
I was told by my Oncologist that one of the PET scans I had taken earlier in the week revealed that there could be something related to cancer in my hip bone. Either the cancer has spread, or it could be something completely different.
It could even mean nothing. If it is related to my cancer then I will need a bone biopsy. No one knows what it is but there is a small mass.
I also found out that I have an infection in my lungs, so chemo will have to be postponed until Monday. That’s not necessarily a good thing. My cancer is growing very rapidly and the plan for chemo was supposed to start this past Wednesday.
This took my husband and I by surprise instantly! We were coming in to start the plan of attack and were taken back by this. We did not expect this news at all. On top of all of that, doctors either didn’t know or didn’t have any answers for me.
But God knew.
You see, our God knows everything. To him this new diagnosis wasn’t a surprise at all.
God sees everything as well, so he had to have seen this bad news coming…Right?
And God has power and authority over all, meaning he could’ve stopped it. But he didn’t. He allowed it.
Why? Why didn’t he stop this.?
I’ve asked him to help me trust him more and more through this process. God doesn’t make mistakes. There are no errors in his plans. I have to believe that.
This is one of many lessons I have to learn. No matter how many setbacks I have, I have to trust in God.
I want to trust Him in the good times and in the bad. I want to praise Him for my blessings along with my hurts and fears. That is the least I can do for what he has done for me.
I love Him that much.
“He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the LORD.”
Headed back to my car and as I turn on the radio a song comes on. One particular part reads like this:
🎶When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust in you 🎶
That’s how God works! I can’t think of a better song that could’ve come on at that time!!!
I have to trust him.
John 16:33 (The Message)
“I’ve told you all this so that trusting me,
you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace.
In this godless world you will
continue to experience difficulties.
But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.”
He is in control.
My cells are not,
My treatment is not,
My doctors are not,
Herbs and vitamins are not.
I AM NOT.
I start my first chemo infusion on Monday. And yes I’m scared. But I’m walking in with an “unshakeable trust” knowing that God doesn’t make mistakes and that He is right where he has always been, seated on his throne.
I need only to trust him.
“Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!”